DAYSTAR SCANDAL Would You Force a Child to Submit to Your New Marriage?

Should a parent force a child to support their remarriage? In this episode of #RemarriedLove we discuss the DAYSTAR Scandal and matters of the heart. Whether the child is young or an adult, remarriage and blending families can be treacherous.  We'll share our experience and help you a navigate.💕

Email us at RemarriedLove@gmail.com | Watch on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@remarriedlove

You are a valuable individual and we are here to support you in achieving your new healthy marriage.

Email us at RemarriedLove@gmail.com | Watch on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@remarriedlove

You are a valuable individual and we are here to support you in achieving your new healthy marriage.

Transcript

DAYSTAR SCANDAL Would You Force a Child to Submit to Your New Marriage?

Hey guys,

 this is D and Aki of Remarried Love. And we're your guide to a new life and healthy relationships after divorce.

 today's episode, we're talking about the day star scandal.

 in the aspect of forcing your child to accept your new spouse or forcing your child to validate your spouse, just anything with introducing a partner, your new spouse to your child.

 That's a lot to do. You know, a lot to take in actually.

 And if you're not familiar with it, the part that we're going to talk about is a mother
 who is remarried

 and forcing her son to accept or publicly validate or acknowledge her new marriage.

 and to give you a little background,

 the father and mother

 we're married and he passed the father passed away.

 And within a year or two, the mother remarried. Okay.

 And the mother remarried and had a very public wedding, but the son is not happy with the situation. Well, there seems to be a lot going on behind the scenes. Yeah.

 And we don't really know what goes on behind the scenes. Yeah. There's a lot behind the scenes that people really don't understand or know because we weren't there, but we will say

 us,

 a child to accept your relationship is something we really don't agree with. Yeah.

 You know, and maybe you're in that situation where

 are about to be

 married again and you want to introduce

 new spouse to the family. And we'll share with you why we don't agree with forcing someone to publicly accept your relationship.

 you're trying to start a new family, you want it to be peaceful.

 You know, you want to have as much peace as you can possibly have.

 so the adult child, her son is not wanting to publicly,

 accept the marriage that his mom has with her new husband. So I'm wondering if he actually doesn't want to accept it or have conversations not been had like certain conversations. Yeah. Such as, you know, are you

 for something like this? You know, before you ask somebody to accept your relationship publicly,

 do you know how they really feel about that?

 and that person had time to come together and to establish your relationship together, but the child did not have that same opportunity. Yeah. And it's an adult child. You probably didn't have to even introduce your spouse to them in the courting stage. So there was a lot of time that you met this person bonded with this person so much so that you were willing to marry them.

 a child, they didn't have that experience. They don't even know who this person is. Yeah. One day they weren't there. The next day here's Johnny.

 we're letting you know this because both of us are children of divorced parents who, who both parents remarried. The mother and the father, both of our moms and dads remarried. And so both of us have stepmothers and stepfathers or bonus, whatever you want to call them.

 We have them. Exactly. And then we got married

 had a divorce.

 And now we're remarried

 and we introduced me to your, your children.

 so we're talking from experience from all the sides of it. We're talking from us being the child. Yes. And us being the adult as well. The child, the adult and the spouse being introduced. Exactly. That's a lot. Yeah.



 And we have experience now of knowing how we would do it ourselves. Yeah. And we'll share that with you guys. Yeah. Because one thing definitely we would not force any of our children to publicly accept a new marriage. And the reason why is for us, we know how it feels to

 the loss of a, of a parent, whether it is through divorce or through death or through abandonment. Yes. And going through a divorce is a hard thing for a child. Yeah. No matter if they're an actual child or an adult child, like you said. Yes. And so, um, because we've had adult friends who their parents got divorced and it was devastating. Oh yeah. And you, yeah. And you would think, well, if you're an adult, you would feel better about it. It wouldn't be that bad. No, but they felt, I was trying to, um, ask one of my friends, I said, how does that make you feel? Because you know, you've had a childhood with your parents and she let me know that it made her feel like her whole life was a lie. Wow. And that was deep to me because I didn't feel like my whole childhood was a lie, but I had a lot of pain in it and a lot of sadness. I think that pain, people, uh, experience pain differently and they show it differently, um, when they're going through their grieving stage. Yeah. Kids can have different ways of showing it. And so for us, you know, when my, my dad was very open about who he dated, very open about his relationships and, um, he didn't force anything. He's like, this is my wife.



 You know, he was like, this is my wife.



 Yeah. And, and he didn't do the, you know, uh, this is your mama now, you know, this is your new mama now, or this is your new dad now. You know, it was just like, this is my wife. And he introduced, uh, her and my stepbrother sisters. And it was like, Hey, look, we got to get to know each other and kind of bond together and it will take time and it's okay.

 that was what we had. Like, we don't know each other, but here we are. We're a new family. We're coming together and we have to make this work. And so one thing, if you have children and you're about to be a blended family, I would say that he did a great job of creating an environment of love inside your home. It doesn't mean that I have to love you

 you know, or you have to love me like that. You know, it's just, we're going to have this loving environment, caring and we're getting to know each other and that's, that's all we can do at first.



 And I thought that made it easier for me. Like I didn't have to call her mom or anything like that. She allowed me to call her her first name. Well, some people, they want you to call the other person, dad or mom. Yeah. That's, I wouldn't do that either. Forcing a child to do that, especially when they already have another parent is a little tough for them because now they have conflicting thoughts, you know, this person, first of all, is not my mother or father. I have a mother and father, but you're asking me to negate all of that and call this other person mom or dad. Yeah. And that goes, even if the, even if the other parent passed,

 they're no longer here to the child, they, that's still their dad or mom. Of course. You know, why wouldn't it be? Because there's a loyalty that comes with the parent. That even happens when the parent is not in their family, in their, in their lives. Right. Sometimes dads are not even there, but sons especially are loyal to their fathers, the father who wasn't even there. He might be angry and upset with that man, but that's still his dad. So in this situation, like with the mom asking a son to do

 he could still be grieving the loss of his dad. I'm sure he is actually, you know, it's, it's only been a couple of years and that's his father of, you know, all his life. So, you know, you're definitely still grieving and now you're telling me, Oh, he's not here anymore. We're going to replace him with Johnny. Well, we don't know if she said that. But I'm just saying by your actions of asking him to publicly accept your new marriage. But first of all, why does he have to do that? Yeah. Well, I guess

 their,

 know, show or something or their enterprise.



 Yeah. And so I would think it is a show because to me asking my child to do that or having someone ask their child to do that,

 is, is hurtful to the child because now you're putting them in the middle of something they should not be in. Right. Having to decide on, you know, is this person now my new dad?

 Well if it's an adult child, probably just

 it, I mean, he's not going to be a dad to him. He's going to be a spouse to his mom. He's going to be the husband to his mom and he may be feeling some type of way about that. Oh, I'm sure he is. And so

 publicly,

 I would wait, you know, I would wait and let that, let it happen organically. Like maybe he would want to celebrate that if he doesn't, then it shouldn't be a big deal. Well, the relationship has to be built, you know, you have to work on relationships just because someone new comes into your life. Does it mean they automatically get to go in your holy of holies?

 And now you're bringing some stranger into that, that space and accepting that they are going to,

 treat it with respect. Now what do you mean that you mean the, the new spouse? Yeah, that's a good point. Like the, the, you mean the child doesn't know the child doesn't know the spouse like you do. Exactly. And

 know, some people could say, well, you know, they're a child, they just have to deal with it. And you're right. That does have to happen. No matter what our parents did, it did fall on us to deal with it. And it's just the way as a parent, you would like

 experience for your child. Either you can have some compassion for their feelings

 not. So the first thing we would do is

 help our child have some time with that spouse. Yeah. Get to know the person. New spouse. Yeah. We need, they need to court. It's like, welcome to the family. Let's sit down, break bread. Let me get to know who you are. Let you get to know who I am

 let's accept each other for who we are at our core. Yeah. Because, you know, the courting, the courting time

 sometimes hidden from the child. Yes.

 know, you want to keep your relationship from the child until you're serious. And that's the part where, well, now you're serious and the child is like, well, wait a minute. So that's why you see a lot of people come into someone's life, bring them to the children and the children are like, who is this? Right. When this person show up, I didn't even know that they existed. So when you're hiding the person you're dating from your children, if they're, when they're young, I understand that because you can't bring just anybody around who can and we understand that part. But when we're talking about adult children, teenage children possibly as well, people who have an understanding of how relationships work, you should bring them around to give them the opportunity also to

 exposed to that person. Yeah. They just need some time. Yeah. Because you see that person when they're happy and when they're not happy.

 so that kind of leads us to, you know, having an understanding of why your child might even have an issue with that because they didn't see the person. Like you said, didn't have time and they may be grieving the loss of the other parent. More than likely they are grieving and people grieve in many different ways.

 so as a parent, we want to show respect to our children, just like we're asking our children to show respect to us in our new marriage. Yeah. That it's like a, you're teaching respect by giving it, even though it's at a different level,

 So you know what's, what's interesting about the respect is when my mom introduced my stepdad to me, she did not make me call him dad or anything like that. Right.



 Neither one of them wanted me to call them by their first name. Okay. So I could do that with my stepmom, but not with my stepdad. So one day after we had time to build a relationship, he asked me,

 how would you like me to address you and how, how would you like to address me? How do you want to call each other? And he used to call me buddy, you know, he'd say, Hey, but how do you, you know, da, da, da.

 Can I call you buddy?

 And he said, yeah, buddy, that's great. And I thought it was like such a great name and it was such a relief for me. It's like, Oh, he's my buddy.

 it was like a title, a name, a friendship, a bond, and it had nothing to do with the dad realm. And I like what you said earlier. You said it relieves stress. It relieves some, you know, it took relief. Off of both of you and was able to help build a bond between the two. It did like a little special bond. And what was funny about that is that he had a younger son and when he would come over and hear me and him calling each other buddy, then he wanted to call his dad buddy. So he was like, can I call you buddy too?

 And buddy was like, sure. So now the two youngest kids in the household just called him buddy. Like

 was okay. Cause you can tell that that name came from a conversation and it was out of love. It was out of respect. Yeah. Out of a place of a little connection, you know?

 And

 contrast, some people would make or force a name on a child and that really isn't good

 it usually doesn't work out too well when you're forcing someone to call someone another name that they did not themselves come up with or agree to. Yeah. In the two conversations, it would be great. You know, one, one tip or idea that we would share is that if you're introducing a new spouse to your child,

 maybe they can have a little name

 that they call each other

 after time, a little affectionate.

 I remember when I was introduced to your children,

 one thing that I did like and it was a risk that we were kind of serious. I mean, we had decided we were going to be exclusively dating each other.

 And then you introduced me to your kids

 but that was planned as well. Yeah.

 And then also you introduced me to your ex. Yes. I had a conversation with everybody. I had a conversation with you. I had a conversation with my ex. I had a conversation with my kids and I specifically told them the day it was going to happen and you know, hockey is coming. Yeah. I specifically, you know, planned that out. Yeah. So you let them know. Yes. I wasn't a surprise like, hey, no surprises.

 when I came and I met your children, it was a very gentle process and I was okay with that. Like I wasn't trying to come in there like, Hey guys, let's hug and you know, do this and do that. And I just was kind of like hanging out with you guys. Yeah. It was all about getting to know you, you know, they've never saw you before, even though I spent time with you. Yeah. So it was time for them to see, well, who is this lady that my dad brought to us? Yeah. They want to see the type of person that I would present to them. And then when we decided to get married,

 I don't think they were shocked or anything or,

shocked.

 I remember that for a long time, you know, your daughter was younger,

 like three or four and she would just call me my, my nickname, you know, Aki.

 didn't even have that conversation because she was like a three or four year old. Right.

 So I remember one time I was alone with her and you know, we were getting ready and putting on bows and our shoes and all this stuff. And then she said, are you like a second mommy? Are you my second mommy? And I was like, Oh my gosh, no, not this conversation right now because nobody's here. I said, um, and I was just, I didn't know what to say. You know, she's, she's young. And so I said, why did you ask that? And she said, well, you're doing things like a mommy. You're, you know, taking care of this. You do this, you do that. Yeah.

 And I said, um, well, I'm your dad's wife and I do things like a mommy. You're right. But I was very, very gentle and very respectful to not say that I was her mommy.

 You know what I'm saying? Like I wasn't saying, um, I'm your mommy. I was just like, I am like a mom.

 And she said, Oh yeah. And she was cool. Like you're a lamb. I'm like a mommy. And that's how this little, well, a little affection thing lamb called, but she didn't call me lamb. She kept calling me. Aki. And so then after a while when we had kids,

 she heard the kids in a young age call me like mama, mama, then she did not want to call me Aki anymore.

 like, I'd like to call you. I'd like to have a name for you. She wanted her own special name for me. And I was like, Oh, that's great. I thought it was going to be something like buddy. Or for me, it would be maybe like, you know, sparkle or honey or I don't know, like some name, right? And I I'm thinking, Oh, this is great. Now I'm going to have another little situation.

 she says, um, she thought about it. She thought about it. And I said, Mama G.


 Oh, wow. And I said, No, not a name with Mama in it. No, that makes women feel when another woman is being called Mama by their child. Yes. And I, and that I was not, we didn't, I didn't, I didn't require that from her. 

No, you didn't. And so that was just a love that she had for you actually. Yeah. 

And I'm just like, Oh, Mama G. Plus I didn't like the name. It sounded like a, a grandparent name, a grandma name. And all my friends were laughing at me and I was just like, that's what she decided. That's what my name is going to be.


 Yeah. But I thought maybe she would have again, like a buddy so she could say, Hey, you know, I'm going to my dad's and sparkle's house, my dad and honey's house. And then I could call her honey and we could just call each other honey, but that didn't work and I couldn't call her Mama G.


 So it, it didn't go the way I thought it would, but it was okay. We had a great time. She called me that. Then the, our kids started wanting to call me Mama G as much as they could because they didn't realize that, you know, they just thought it was a new name for, for mommy.

 It was, it was so crazy that that same situation happened when I was younger. I mean, when I was addressing my stepdad with the affection name and then his child, and then now it was happening with our children. So then, you know, after that summer she came back and she didn't call me a name anymore. She didn't call you any names, any name.

 And I was waiting to hear it, you know, and it was just like, she just started, she would just look at me, kind of look at me and then start talking to me and then start talking to me. Yeah, exactly. So there was no Aki, no Mama G, no nothing. 

It was just a conversation was had and things changed. 

And so I just went with that, you know, and we just, oh, oh, you're talking to me now? Okay. It was just like, okay. And everybody, you know, had to go at their own pace. And

 son, he was older when he met me. He was in, he was a teenager and he just kind of called me on the whole time. So teenagers, I think are actually a little bit easier because they act like they don't care, but they do. And they're not going to really, usually they're not going to push back if you're not in their face. Yeah. If you're not pushing them, they won't push you. Exactly. Leave them alone and they'll leave you. Yeah. And if you're like, Hey, I'm about to boss you around now because I am the new mom that that doesn't work. Or I'm about to boss you around because I'm the new dad.


 It's that doesn't work. So you're definitely going to get pushed back by pushing on a teenager. Yeah. The best thing to do, we would say is whoever the parent is of the child is the one that

 gives the discipline. Yeah. You know, and the person who is the spouse is like the support.

 And I know that it's hard for some people because, you know, kids can

 your buttons. Right. Like you just said, it should be with the person who is the parent so that there's no

 problems with the outside parent. Yeah. And that's hard for women because when they have to be the disciplinarian

 the spouse, the stepdad is going to be the person who's like supporting and backing up. Now that doesn't mean he's not the head of the house. By any means, it's just when it comes to disciplining the child or communicating the new rules or sometimes it's better

 have it come through the biological parent first.

 But it's all about, like we said earlier, creating this whole environment of love.

 So I'm glad that you said that because I want to say something about the fact that a lot of men feel like I'm the man of this house. These are my rules and everybody's going to do as I say, right? And you're going to get some pushback with that. And most of the time they do.

 Now you can be a hardball about it, but,

 the best, I should say this, the most effective way to keep peace and show love in your house is to give respect and you will get

 yes. And even, you know, with my stepdad military, very strict,

 different from my dad, he did give a respect to me

 and of my mom and my relationship with each other.

 a very fine line. You have to walk as a parent who got a divorce.

 And that's why you have to be on one accord.

 You have to be on one accord, which means that both of you in a new marriage should have conversations and talk about your children, your household, and you know, where you guys are going.

 And the one thing that I thought was a little bit disheartening for me in the day star situation was that Joni, the mom was kind of

 down her child

 not or submitting. I think they said submitting to her

 and like, there wasn't a line. There was the company, there's the family, and then there's your heart, you know? And I felt like, yes, it's a business. Yes, it's a enterprise or whatever a family business. But then there's also like the,

 concerns of the heart, the matters of the heart.

 And when you're dealing with a, with a new marriage and a new person and a person's life

 is, that the child feels like it's replacing their parent, there has to be a little bit

 of additional understanding that you would have never had to do had you not gotten a door. If you were not getting remarried, you would never have to go there.

 Yeah. Because sometimes you have to walk in someone else's shoes and you have to think that way because that will enable you to have a better relationship with that person if you think from their point of view. So that means you have to go from yourself into them

 day star situation

 be fantastic if everyone was able to look at the other person's life and say, well, I wonder what they're feeling. If you're the mom, you're thinking, I'm happy because I just got this new husband. If you're the new husband, I just got this new wife. If you're the son, you're like,

 I know that they're married, but I also have a father who has just passed away, even if it's a couple of years ago and I'm still grieving.

 out of all of it, that's kind of something that came out to us

 felt how  a child might have felt.

 as adults we should able to understand

 we should be more

 respectful and more soft when it comes to that.

 But that takes sometimes learning that.

 Yeah. And maybe she didn't understand because her and her spouse did not get a divorce. He passed away. And maybe

 understanding or feeling like you have to have it

 come into play because they didn't get divorced.

 So if you're the mother, you're looking at your son and you're saying, "Well, my son just lost his father, even if it's been a couple years." So I wonder how he... If he has gotten over that or not actually gotten over it, but if he... How is he grieving is what I'm trying to say. Yeah, that's good. And if you're at a new husband, you're looking at your new son-in-law and you're saying, he's probably still grieving. Yeah, how does he... How would he feel?

 That is so good.

 That could be like a therapy session where everybody kind of gets together and puts themselves in another person's shoes. Basically, it's having compassion for someone else. Yes.

 Well, yeah, that's basically maybe the word for today is compassion when you are introducing your child to the new spouse.

 We don't agree that you should force your child, young or old, any to support your marriage publicly if they haven't done it privately.

 so I would just say that when you have a child,  adult child or younger child,

 a new spouse into their lives is a very sensitive topic. It's a very sensitive thing that you need that you do. And we would approach it with as much gentleness as possible. And that's because feelings

 can boil over when they're not taken seriously or respected or taken with care. With care. That probably is. It's a matter of the heart. And

 just wanted to kind of give our opinion on that situation because we were able to give some insight into what we were thinking and also help you if you're going through the same situation.

 and if this episode gave you something to think about, on your favorite streaming service.

 And as always, thank you. See you